How can one be truly vulnerable? What does honesty mean? Where does strength REALLY reside? My name is Sara. Sometimes I feel unworthy. I struggle with depression. I don’t feel anywhere close to perfect, and I wonder, who am I to be building a business in light work? I love to run, dance, and write. I love to express in poems, and songs. One of my deepest desires is to sing. Having felt a giant amount of shame and doubt, I have been hiding from you…
A little over year ago there was this wall of rejection that I ran into full steam ahead. At the time, something I believed in 100% came crashing down. My beliefs, my view of self, and strength crumbled faster and harder than the twin towers. Everything I thought I knew, was no more. It just didn’t exist. I didn’t exist. My mind worked over-time trying to build my bones up, just so walking could occur. I began to build a facade of strength. As time went on, as pieces of my heart pulled themselves together, I ignored deeper truths.
I started to flow, but it wasn’t effortlessly. It was planned, predicted, and calculated. Over and over, I kept running into the same issues. Rejection. Failure. Doubt. Hopelessness. Worthiness. Who was I??? The girl that had packed her bags in 2015 for South America with so much faith & trust in the universe, it seemed was gone. Like she had disappeared. Almost like a calendar, the cycles of up & down came every month. It’s like I would get glimpses of hope, and of that girl. But where was my voice??? Where was my passion? Where was my truth?
In the past month, issues started to manifest & make themselves know in physical form. First from a mirror of a soul whom I traveled with. Rejection on an intimate level. I had been asking the universe to help me release this very old would of rejection. This reminder came in the most awkward of situations. Though, surprising to myself, I was observing it all happen. Almost like I wasn’t in my own body. I took a step back, and remembered that this was NOT about him, but about me. It was not his actions, decisions, or words that I needed be concerned about. It was mine.
During yoga & meditation on a beach one morning, as the sun rose and the moon set, I declared that I would just breath. I would watch MY thoughts, words, and actions. After all, this is MY play, MY story, MY stage. It has nothing to do with him, although he had acted as a great reminder of what was going on with me and gave direction on where I needed to go on my path.
Most likely, he has no idea he did any of this. In fact, it came from only my perspective. His actions, were only MY perspective. Over the next coupe days, I observed myself. Was able to respond, versus reacting. I climbed up on a rock in the middle of Lake Powell, and danced like a wild woman. AH…there she was!!!! A glimpse of my true self returning.
As all of this continues to set in over the next couple weeks, I struggled with how to articulate this. How to put it into words. Not writing, not expressing myself through words, I began to sink.
The second reminder came the day after Thanksgiving. I went for a hike on Camelback Mountain here in Phoenix. I have had this fear of heights for a while now, and the top of this hike was terrifying. With the help of a friend, I did it! I conquered this fear. Climbed right through it! Arrived at home exhausted, and took a nap. Woke up with full blown Strep throat!!! Talk about a throat chakra issue.
Laying in bed with more physical pain than I have felt in a decade, I wondered what this was all about. I knew deep down, that I have not been true, and was not expressing my self in healthy ways. I felt so vulnerable, so weak. Began on antibiotics, which was hard for me to do. I had to ask help from a friend in order for this to happen. Realized how hard it is for me to ask for help. That I had some shame around this.
Being a very competitive person, I asked in meditation where this came from. As a child, I felt overlooked and unworthy. Like someone else was always getting the attention in my family. I guess from a very young age, I felt the need to compete for attention. For worthiness. This has made it difficult to ask for help, especially in emotional ways. We are all meant to be seen and heard. We are all worthy. This starts first in one’s self practice of being vulnerable and honest. The people I am not afraid to ask help from are my Spiritual Mentors. I know they never judge, and are always there for me.
For the past 5 years, doing my own deep healing work with the guidance of my mentors, and breaking co-dependant habits on others, maybe I went to the other extreme. Thinking I did not need to ask for help. That I alone can do this. Well, I cannot. I know and feel how we are all connected, and my soul requires your’s for this experience. Yes, even with our different perspectives.
This last full moon came with another “down” time. I spent 2 full days in my room literally doing nothing. Tuning out on Netflix. The energy lifted this morning. I checked in with my inner child during meditation. I was guided to go for a run outside. On the way back, I went to the swings. This is where, what you are reading now, began to come out. It was time to write, and I wasn’t going to ignore it again.
I feel very vulnerable expressing all of this to you. But more than that, I feel a lightness and joy in my heart for staying true and expressing in the way I know best. Being truly vulnerable means being honest. Being honest means pouring my heart out, and saying what is truly in there. Asking for help when I am stuck, and cannot climb any higher. My strength resides in my vulnerability & honesty. In my voice, through my heart. I cannot do this alone. I need you. ALL of you. I need to be held, and hugged. To be heard and seen. I need to connect with you, even though our perspectives may differ. Please reach out. Leave a comment, connect with me on social media, come say hi at one of my classes or events.
That girl I was, IS gone. She has grown into the wild, sacred woman writing this. I feel more than my self. I feel the connection that is all of us, and the energy that keeps us moving and changing and growing. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I love you.
The light in me recognizes the light in you. The strength in me recognizes the strength in you. The love I am recognizes the love YOU are. Namaste.
Hugs & Love,
Sara Gyspy Wolf